One day, when my late husband was drawing closer and closer to death, I was watching him and our son playing in the living room. Our little boy was just shy of three year's old, and he was oblivious to the inevitable future without his daddy. But I was seeing their play and hearing their laughter and watching my once healthy husband stretch out skinny arms to hold his son. Suddenly, tears came and I had to work hard to choke back a long, heart-rending sob. I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't sit by and watch this cruel destruction of our once happy family. I hurried from the room to hide my over-whelming emotions from both of them. I didn't want to ruin their most precious moment. Who knew, after all, how many fun moments were left?
I went to the bedroom I shared with this wonderful husband and father and began to make the bed. I struggled to control myself, but halfway around the bed, an enormous weakness hit me at the knees and I sank to the floor. I pressed my face into the blankets to keep my cries from reaching the living room and I finally let my fears and anger out to God.
I cried over and over again "Why, Lord? I see You're going to take Jim home soon. But why? Why destroy me and my son? Don't You know how much this will hurt my little boy? Don't You know how much You're tearing my heart out? Why?" The dam broke and all the repressed emotions rushed to the surface. My heart broke in two. My spirit and courage flagged and I was a spent being.
And then, He spoke to my heart.
"Dee, I know how you feel. I know. I gave up my own Son so that you will see Jim again someday. I gave Him up so you will never say good-bye to your loved ones again."
He reminded me that His heart broke in two the day he turned His back on His own Son. The day He let His Son know sin. The day the veil was torn and all of humanity was set free for the asking. The day His Son bled. Cried. Pleaded for mercy. The day humanity mocked and flogged and pierced His Son's frail flesh. In that moment, I knew He knew my pain. That moment changed me.
Today we remember Christ's sacrifice. Today we say thank you. Today we remember that our Father knows...He knows...and He understands.
When you were stuck in your old sin-dead life, you were incapable of responding to God. God brought you alive—right along with Christ! Think of it! All sins forgiven, the slate wiped clean, that old arrest warrant canceled and nailed to Christ's cross. Colossians 2:14 The Message
6 comments:
*tears* ((Hugs))
I'm so touched that you shared such an intimate moment with us. My heart breaks for what you went through but I see how God has used even that tragedy for something good. How fascinating that God allows so much pain in the hopes that we could identify and relate to Him on such a personal level. Thank you for sharing your pain with us. I am humbled and awed by the love of our Lord.
Dee, my heart breaks for you as well. Praying for God's continued comfort and thankful for all He has in store for His beloved children! It outweighs the pain!
Thanks, Ladies, for your prayers and words of comfort. I learned a lot that day about how God can take a sad thing and give hope. As the years passed, I never got over missing my Jim, but God was faithful to bring Arlen into our lives, give a future and a happy home back to us. The wounds are patched and God wipes the tears that sometimes still fall. Knowing what waits us all some day...heaven...makes the living that much more precious.
Dee - thank you. I'm all choked up. I love the message God gave you, and I'm blessed today by your sharing it. Happy Easter!
You went through such a hard time and now can write about it and use it to help all of us. That's a true testimony to God's healing power and your faith in His promises!
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